To Get Something You’ve Never Had, You Have to Do Something You’ve Never Done

Posted by: doublebutter on: July 2, 2011

• In: Motivation
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Ahh..the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. The more I mature, the more I realize how immature I am. College has only been over for 3.5 weeks, yet it feels like so much longer. One of the most immediate effects I noticed, was this lifting of a mental safety-net that I had relied on for so long.

While in school, I had a license to do whatever I wanted. Go out drinking with friends? play video games? watch movies? Sure why not! As long as I was working towards a degree, everything else was gravy on top. My time in college started to dwindle: “OMG I can’t believe its our last year! our last quarter! our last week!” Like distance signs on the freeway, I saw the exit ramp approaching but chose to enjoy the ride. Now there is no longer a road map, and I am driving alone into the darkness. There is a new deeper sense of accountability now, I alone am responsible for what happens now.

Here I am sitting in the same apartment, listening to the same songs, looking at the same books, with the same goals as a year ago. But something is different, there’s no longer a margin for error. You would think that this time around would quite different, a year of deep introspection and growth should better prepare me for this moment. Yet I feel more lost than ever. As I stand on the brink of destruction, I know that I must change. Over the past few weeks I’ve sought to systematically purge all the bad habits, weaknesses, and remnants of my former life. To turn down the volume on a life filled with distraction and instant gratification. I now have nothing, and I am bored.

I open the internet browser and I don’t even know what to type anymore. I go on hour-long walks debating whether I should even go back to my apartment. This experience has made me question everything over of the first 22 years of my life. Did I get everything that wrong? All those years really amounted to nothing? I know this is only temporary, like switching from soda to water, or a salt-free diet, things naturally become a bit more bland. But eventually things will normalize, and I will become a more robust individual going forward. But man does it suck right now.